I’ve always been easily distracted, whether it was in school when I was writing love notes to my boyfriend-to-be, at the dinner table when I was mesmerized by The Simpsons and still hadn’t touched my dinner or when I was forced to clean by room but had an impromptu dance party instead.
I’m 23 now- and am unfortunately still able to translate these distractions to the work place, with much more adult type distractions. Or are they?
Right now I sit at my laptop on a Sunday eating Sushi, drinking orange juice from the jug, texting four people, checking my Gmail, my work email, the balance of my checking account, planning my Halloween costume, thinking about taking a shower… all while regretting everything I do. Because I do it all simultaneously. And half-assed.
Maybe it’s that i’m easily side tracked, or that I get bored of my responsibilities and seek comfort in the fun-life (Tumbling, Facebooking, Texting, Buzzfeeding, staring at the wall across the way), maybe it’s that I have high expectations of myself or maybe it’s that there really isn’t enough time in the day.
The problem is… I want to do it all. I want to have it all. I want to be it all.
Satisfaction is a hard thing for me to come by and i’m always searching for whats better and what will make me, even if only for a moment, happier.
If the project I work on is boring me, I switch off my brain to something that gets my dopamine really kicking in.
But then comes regret.
Ah, regret. Or is it.. guilt?
I can never understand the difference.
How does one live a responsible and good life while getting out of it… everything they’ve ever dreamed? Is it even possible? Probably not, but i’m trying to make it happen. And i’m failing. Miserably. Probably because i’m a girl and can’t master much more than putting my hair into a decently tidy bun, or maybe it’s because i’m living in NYC and this place makes me think that I can become the Mayor of my own life in less than 24 hours.
So know i’m at an understanding that… yes, my name is Jackie and I have a problem. I’m a dopamine addict. I’m a work addict. I’m a progress addict. I’m a get-something-better-than-I-have-right-now addict.
What this leads to is not being productive. The need to be satisfied on multiple levels distracts me and takes away from my ability to truly be good at one thing.
But what 12-step program should be developed or a person like me?
Perhaps I take away the things that make me happy and focus on the responsibilities and hope that being good at those will make me happy(er). Yes yes, that means delete my Facebook, exit out of Buzzfeed, turn off my cellphone and be happy with how I look right now in this very moment.
I guess this rant is to explain that I have no idea what i’m doing and no idea what I want. It’s just that I want to be unexplainably and intrinsically happy. I don’t want to have to give something up to achieve something else. I want to have both things at the same time.
My goal is to become intrinsically oriented because as of now… my extrinsic goals (money, image, status) and intrinsic goals (personal growth, relationships, helping others) are fighting with each other– Intrinsically oriented people are more happy. And that, dear Tumblr, is what I need to be. Maybe this isn’t quite right, and maybe it’s just about figuring out what I need in life- but then the answer would be something like… sushi, hard cider and Backstreet Boys.
The age old question is ‘how?’